The White House
Washington, DC
April 1, 2010
My Fellow Citizens,
On my flight back from Guantanamo Bay where I went to cheer up and support our Troops - BTW they are doing "a hell of a job" - I had a few spare moments on Air Force One so I Googled my own name. And what do I find? Mr. Jan Polatschek's Economic Stimulus Plan that is posted on his website. He was kind enough to mention my name.
Under the Freedom of Information Act and The Patriot Act, I had my staff investigate Jan's academic background. It turns out that he barely passed Statistics and he failed, yes, my fellow citizens, Jan failed his Eco 101 course at Cornell. But two years later he redeemed himself at Columbia where he got an A in Money & Banking. Jan really turned things around at Temple Grad School where he scored another A in Industrial Management and yet another A in Macroeconomics.
Now, I know Paul Krugman, and Jan is no Paul Krugman. Jan's propensity for economic expertise is marginal at best. Nevertheless, I have forwarded a copy of Jan's thoughtful essay to the Council of Economic Advisers, The Fed, Rupert Murdock, George Soros, Warren Buffet, and Liz Taylor.
And finally, and most importantly, Michelle and I are thinking about whether we ourselves can follow Jan's creative suggestion.
My Fellow Citizens, I urge you to read Mr. Polatschek's essay and consider how you can make your own personal contribution to the economic health of our Nation.
Together - or not - "Yes We Can!"
G-d Bless America.
Sincerely,
Barak H. Obama
PS. My Arabic is rusty but I managed to speak at length to several of the ex-pat residents at our retreat at Guantanamo. I told them that if they promised, I mean if they really, really promised not to blow anything up, I would invite them to live in Detroit or New Orleans or Camden or East St Louis. They demurred, respectfully. They wanted to live in the South Bronx. Turns out they're all Yankee fans.
Finally, the bad boys relented when I mentioned that under the new Health Care law, they would be eligible for lifetime medical insurance. And they could not be refused coverage for any pre-existing condition, including:
- "sleep apnia, insomnia or snoring owing to the effects of a cold rifle barrel along the rib cage"
- "homophobia"
- "addiction to tea"
- "addiction to the birther conspiracy theory"
All of the above are serious medical conditions newly listed by the APA.
(Come to think of it, I am certain that not a small number of my GOP friends can now apply for medical insurance coverage as well.)
Hey! SETTLE DOWN! Snap on the safety, grab a six-pack out of the cooler, feed the dog, turn off WWE, and then read Jan's essay:
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